No Time for Tedium
Author: Lilac Summers
Fandom: Doctor Who
Pairing: Ten/Donna, TARDIS
Rating: PG13, implied naughtiness
A/N: Lil' bit of TARDIS fun. Think about all the blackmail material she could get her hands on, should the fancy strike her.
He was in the library, spending a lazy day reading while Donna took what she called a "me day" -- which, from what he could gather, consisted of epic-length baths, face masks, redoing her nails, and lounging around in pajamas reading magazines.
That was fine. Just fine. Great time to catch up on some reading. He could entertain himself, no problem. He wasn't bored. Nope, nyet, nein. Not one bit. Regardless what Donna claimed, he could spend one day not running for his life. Absolutely. Good to rest the brain every once in while, even.
Damn...but he was bored.
Bored bored bored bored bored.
Then a throaty whimper broke the silence, so close to his ear that he dropped his book and fell off the couch with a confused "Donna?"
But Donna was not in the room, though the voice that had startled him rose in volume.
"Yessss, oh god," came from a disembodied Donna.
He stood up quickly, sonic in hand, turning a quick circle to peer at corners. "Donna?"
"Uh, Donna, did you manage to find the invisibility gun? How many times have I told you not to--"
"oh, fuck...sooo goood"
The Doctor blanched at the unexpected language, and the satisfied groan that followed it. Something told him that if Donna had found the invisibility gun, she'd be more likely screaming at him in rage than practicing her dirty talk.
"You're not invisible, are not a ghost, and are not in the room in any way, are you Donna?" asked the Doctor, just to cover all his bases.
His answer was more panting, punctuated by fluttery "oh"s.
The Doctor pulled at his tie awkwardly, feeling increasingly nervous and...warm...yes, very warm all of sudden. It rather sounded as if Donna was right in the middle of...
His eyebrows shot to his hairline in embarrassed realization, and then he was pelting down the hallways to the control room.
The TARDIS core moved placidly, the ship spinning happily in the vortex. But the Doctor knew his playful ship too well.
"What are you doing?!" he hissed, stabbing buttons. He had deduced by now that what he was hearing was Donna having a very private moment; a very private moment that was being broadcast through the TARDIS speakers.
"oh, oh, ohhhhh"
The Doctor discarded his jacket, really feeling quite flushed, while flipping a series of audio levers furiously.
His efforts were rewarded with a long, rich "Mmmmmm" in Donna's voice.
"This isn't funny," he scolded the TARDIS, fidgeting uncomfortably. "You stop it right now. Donna deserves her privacy and it isn't right for you to be doing this!"
The Doctor had traveled with quite a few humans. He knew what they got up to periodically. More than once he'd approached a bedroom, ready to invite a companion out for an outing, only to do an about-face and walk quickly away when he heard those little tell-tale sounds. Mostly he marveled, with more than a bit of self-righteous superiority, at the over-active libido of humans. And then he'd give them another hour before he came back to knock politely.
But those sounds, and coming from Donna, in that silken, lush tone; the idea of all of Donna's considerable energy, focused solely on finding pleasure...
The Doctor discarded his tie altogether and gave in to the urge to flick a few shirt buttons open. Boy, maybe the temperature settings were broken along with the sound system. It was positively steaming in here.
It was time for the mallet. He pounded directly on a speaker, to no avail.
"I just don't understand why you're doing this!" he cried with another frustrated bang at the console. Giving up on that, he hurried around to pry up a maintenance panel. Even if Donna was currently in her room and didn't realize what the rest of the ship was broadcasting, there was no way he could allow this to continue.
"just. like. that. yessss--"
He wiped his brow with his forearm. Was he actually sweating?! Perhaps if he tried to wire the...
"Wow, it sounds like I'm having a really good time."
The Doctor jumped up so quickly he suffered from a brief head-rush, then stared in horror as Donna entered the control room. Inexplicably, Donna's sensual moans continued to play through the ship, though Donna herself was standing there with a quirked brow and hands on her hips.
"Donna! But how...if you're here, then--"
Breathy sighs turned into another series of high pitched "ah, ah, ah"s.
"Make that a fantastic time."
The Doctor speared both hands through his hair in utter confusion, while strategically maneuvering to the side to make sure he was decently covered by the console.
"Doctor? Why does your ship sound as though I'm auditioning for the lead in 'Donna does Dallas'?"
"I have no clue. I thought you were -- that is, I, uh, assumed you were having p-p-private time."
"P-p-private time?" mocked Donna, over a soundtrack of strenuous gasps. "You mean a right proper wank, you big ninny?"
The Doctor would have blushed, but he was already so flushed it didn't really matter. "Er, yes."
"And your alien ship thought it would be some nice easy listening background music for you? What, you got bored of that horrible xylophone jingles you were listening to before? On your spare time do you like to listen to recordings of your companions wanking?"
The Doctor realized, to his dismay, that Donna was quite close to the mallet. Quite close.
"No! Really, Donna. I don't know why! It's the TARDIS with some glitch and I've tried everything to make it stop. I don't--I don't have recordings of anyone doing...anything...like that and I thought the she was broadcasting you live and I was going to try to short-circuit the audio wires before you--"
"All right!" cut in Donna, raising a hand to cut off the blabber. "All right, I believe you, stop yammering and just figure out a way to make her stop playing it. I don't want to hear how I sound when I'm -- Wait. Wait a second."
The Doctor looked up from where he was back to trying to pry up the panel. "What?"
"That's -- that's me with another person!"
"How the hell does your stupid ship have a recording of me with another flippin' person!?"
"How do you know it's not just you?"
"How long has this been playing? Do you think I have the time for a bleedin' marathon, or that I beg myself for more?! That's me with a partner! Listen, you can hear their breathing."
Once pointed out, it was obvious -- labored breathing in accompaniment to Donna's rising vocalizations.
The Doctor went awfully still. Scarily still. "Whom did you bring on-board, Donna?" he demanded with eerie calm.
"No one!" shrieked Donna (while the 'thump thump thump' of a headboard reverberated through the ship). "As if I could! When have you ever even given me the chance to mee--"
"oh, oh, right there! don't stop! don't stop!"
Donna threw her hands up in aggravation. "How is it possible she'd have this?! I want some answers, Sunshine!"
"I wonder if... Huh, well, the TARDIS is psychic, perhaps she's taken the memory of a previous encounter. Though I still don't know why she would play it," he explained, still disgruntled.
"I think I'd remember if I ever had a night quite like what I'm hearing."
The Doctor paused in the midst of crossly kicking the abandoned floor panel. "You mean you don't remember this?"
"Not usually quite this vocal, no," she stated flatly.
"oh god, I'm going to..."
The Doctor flipped open the last few remaining shirt buttons in a quest for air. He'd give a regeneration for a cool drink of water right about now.
"Then the only other explanation is that it's a future encounter. The TARDIS contains all of time and space, after all. Maybe a glitch in the TARDIS' time matrix, crossed with a mnemonic auditory echo."
"Well, that's plain barmy. Are you telling me the TARDIS is playing me and some bloke getting it on in the future? Who'll the lucky bastar-- "
That had been a man's voice. For the first time, beside the heavy breathing, a very distinct... Donna and the Doctor froze, eyes wide in shock.
"That was-- That was--" stuttered Donna.
Both the Doctor and Donna clapped hands to their respective mouths in a mirrored moment of embarrassed disbelief.
"You know," finally croaked the Doctor. "I could be wrong. In fact, I'm probably wrong. Completely, utterly mistaken in every way. Doesn't happen often -- or at all, really -- but there's a first time for everything and maybe I..." he trailed off, staring beseechingly at Donna as twin sighs of fulfillment echoed through the control room.
"April fools," blurted out Donna. "TARDIS is joking. It's April fools somewhere in time and space right now, right? Right?!"
Donna nibbled on her lower nip nervously, and flushed scarlet when she caught the Doctor staring. "Okay, right, okay... I'm going to go...um...there's this thing I need to be doing."
"Yes, me too. That thing needs to be fixed with that...other thing that...is broken."
They slowly edged away from each other as if a live hand-grenade had been placed between them. Then both abandoned all sense of pride, turned tail and ran in opposite directions.
The TARDIS hummed serenely to herself and dimmed the lights in the empty control room. And there was no further whining about being bored.
Part 2: No Time for TV